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Sunday, September 3, 2017

The Real Reel: Tokophobia and Infertility

I wrote this last week, and wasn't sure if I was actually going to post it. I went back and forth, because doing so would be putting myself VERY out there for the world to see, but I ultimately decided to do so, in the hopes of helping anyone else struggling with similar things to realize that you are not alone

Saturday, August 26th 2017
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting today. I think Facebook is one of the best and worst inventions of my adult life. It is amazing because it allows us to keep in touch with so many people we would have otherwise lost contact with years ago. It is amazing because it helps us to reconnect with friends we thought we would never see again. It is amazing because we are always up to date on birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, and any other event of a friend or family member. It is amazing because we never miss anything.

Conversely, it is terrible because we never miss anything. It is terrible because it gives most of us anxiety in some form or another. There are even studies out there that show how Facebook usage has been linked to anxiety/depression. It is terrible because we become a slave to the app, the notifications, the checking to see how many likes or comments we’ve gotten on a post. It is terrible because we inevitably end up wasting hours upon hours of our time on it when we could have been doing something productive, or reaching out personally to a friend, rather than posting to all 2361 “friends” we have.

It is terrible because it somehow leads everyone to believe that they must only share the good in their life, and it skews our own reality and those with whom we associate on Facebook. That’s not to say we shouldn’t be proud of our accomplishments, but our lives are very one-sided on Facebook. We post the highlight reel. We hide the real reel. When we’re struggling, we don’t usually post. We assume either (a) “people don’t want to see this side of me” or (b) “*I* don’t want people to see this side of me.”

I’m going to change that right now, for me. I’m going to stick myself out there and be vulnerable. I’m going to look past both A and B and show the real reel. This is not for sympathy, but more to let any of you out there struggling with the any of the same things know that you’re not alone. Because I have felt so very alone on this for so long.

1.     I have tokophobia
2.    I have infertility problems
3.    This is a TERRIBLE combination

To start, here is the definition of Tokophobia:
Tokophobia is a pathological fear of pregnancy and can lead to avoidance of childbirth. It can be classified as primary or secondary. Primary is morbid fear of childbirth in a woman, who has no previous experience of pregnancy. Secondary is morbid fear of childbirth developing after a traumatic obstetric event in a previous pregnancy.

For brief context. There are 2 reasons why I feel like tokophobia is a little different than many others:
(1)  Most phobias can be conquered in baby steps. While I believe all phobias can be conquered, some are easier than others. For example, if someone wants to conquer their fear of spiders, they can do it in steps. They can start by looking at one behind a glass cage. Then looking at it out of a cage from a distance, then being closer to it while someone else holds it, and eventually holding it themselves. At any point in any of those steps, if they can’t handle it or need to take a break, they can remove themselves from it. Once you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant. There is no easing your way into it. There is no “wait hold on, slow down.” Once you’re pregnant, buckle up. Because there is no turning back.
(2)  Most phobias are usually considered irrational. For example, someone who is claustrophobic may have a panic attack if stuck in a small space. But there is likely no real danger present. However, pregnancy and childbirth still kill women each year. Are the odds high in developed countries? No. But it’s still a possibility.
·         A few years ago, I had a friend whose wife was expecting their second child. One day, she just died. Her symptoms of a greater issue mimicked the same symptoms of pregnancy, so no one thought to test for the greater issue as everyone figured it was just normal pregnancy swelling, etc. It wasn’t the pregnancy that killed her, but it was the pregnancy that caused her symptoms to go undetected.

This is not even something I realized I had until I was married. But after some therapy and deep reflection, I was able to trace it back to witnessing a traumatic birth when I was 12 years old. From that point on, I wanted nothing to do with babies. I hated babysitting, I ran the other way if someone said “come feel it kick”, I never wanted to hold so&so’s new baby, and I most definitely didn’t want to hear about any friends or family’s birth stories. For years, I had no idea why I was like that.

Subconsciously, I was also afraid of intimacy of any kind. My first real boyfriend wasn’t until I was 22. Sure, I wanted to date. In fact, I desperately wanted to date. But again, subconsciously, I knew that dating could lead to kissing, kissing could lead to sex, and sex could lead to pregnancy/labor, so I was always scared to get close to anyone, and ended up likely scaring off many potential suitors.

The following year, I met Eric, my now husband of 7 years. Family is greatly important to both of us. Of course I wanted to be a mother. And I wanted us to have kids together and have that idyllic life everyone dreams of. We (I) decided we should wait a year before starting to try for kids. (At this point, I still had no idea I suffered from Tokophobia). I said I wanted us to have a year to be able to get used to marriage and all the changes that would come with it before throwing a baby into the mix. Year 1 ended, and for reasons x, y, and z I said I need another year. He was patient and waited another year. It all came to a head one day when he was upset (understandably so) because I kept trying to push it further down the road. He wanted a valid reason, and I didn’t have one- I didn’t know why I kept wanting to push it further. Suddenly at the peak of this “discussion”, I blurted out “because I’m terrified of being pregnant!” That was news to me just as much as it was news to him. I never understood ME until that moment.

I started going to therapy and somewhere in year 2-3 we started trying for kids. My anxiety was so high that the day after the first time we tried, I had to call in sick to work. I couldn’t function. I now had to wait several weeks before I knew if “this was it.” Every waking moment of every day with any slight change in behavior or cravings, I would stop and think “does that mean I’m pregnant?” After 5 or 6 months of trying, I was late. I was terrified and I didn’t know what to do. I had never been so conflicted in my life. On one hand, I desperately wanted a child – I wanted to start our own family. I wanted to be “Mom”. But on the other hand, that would mean there was no turning back and that thought terrified me. Turns out, it was one of those rare months where I was a few days late. Relief and grief set it simultaneously. One more month of safety from pregnancy, but one more month of failed attempts and no children.

Eventually, I just wanted to get it over with. I felt like each month I was riding a roller coaster that was slowly getting to its highest peak, and right before it dropped, the ride broke down and I had to start over. I felt it so cruel that someone who fears pregnancy to this degree struggles this much to get pregnant. I just wanted it to be over with. I wanted to GET pregnant so I could start working through the emotions.

After about a year with no success, we decided I would go back to school to get my MBA. We weren’t having any success, and going back to school was something I’d always wanted to do. Since MBA programs can be quite rigorous, we decided to take a break from trying. I would need to be able to focus on classes, internships, networking, job fairs, etc.

A few months before I graduated, we started trying again, but still with no success. Each month was that awful mix of emotions where I was so relieved that I didn’t have to live out my worst fear, but so devastated that we still had no family of our own. It’s really quite difficult to put into words that dichotomy of emotions. Turning 30 was especially hard for me. So many of my friends my age had not 1, but sometimes 2, 3, or even 4 kids. I still had none. I tried to keep busy so I wouldn’t think about it. I did a community theater musical together in summer of 2016. By the end of that run, 3 women in the show had announced they were pregnant. It felt like I couldn’t escape. Whether in real life, or on Facebook, everywhere I turned, there was another announcement of another friend of mine who was expecting.

I finally got to the point where the desire for children outweighed my fear, (this by no means lessened the fear) and in November of 2016 I mustered up enough courage to go to an OB/GYN and actually get tested. I cried the entire visit. A few weeks after that visit, I found out that my younger sister, who had recently married, was pregnant. Words cannot describe the pain I felt at that announcement. To be clear, I held no ill-will toward her. I was happy for her. This was what she wanted, as nearly every husband/wife eventually wants. Some women desire to be mothers from the time they are young, and this was my sister. She was finally going to get to fulfill that dream. But, that didn’t make it any easier on me. I couldn’t even think about it without welling up with tears. I had many breakdowns the following weeks.

Due to a job change and subsequent insurance changes, we had to put things on hold from December 2016 to March 2017 before trying again. Once March rolled around, we resumed trying. Month after month, still no success. Month after month, anxiety day in and day out always wondering if “this was it”. I tried to keep busy so I wouldn’t think about it. We did another summer show. Someone we knew came to see our show and she was 8 months pregnant. She was also unmarried. And I cannot explain to you why the first thought that came into my head was “has she considered adoption?” but that was all I could think about. Eric and I talked about it later that night and he had thought the same thing; but how do you bring something like that up? I had another pretty low moment that night, and almost on a whim, Eric posted (with my permission) to Facebook that we were interested in adoption if anyone knew of anyone.

She saw the post, and we ended up meeting with her the following week. She was very open to the idea. We called a lawyer to see what the necessary paperwork would look like, etc. She hadn’t decided 100% yet, but the odds seemed pretty good. Suddenly, for the first time in years, that constant pressure I felt of “I should have kids by now” was lifted. The pain I felt every time I saw another “we’re expecting!” announcement, subsided. The guilt I felt for letting tokophobia make our journey even harder was finally gone. The fear attached to babies for so long was no longer there. I tried not to get too excited, but I couldn’t help it. We were likely finally going to be parents! And *I* wasn’t going to have to go through pregnancy/labor to get a little one! My sister was due the same month, so it looked like she and I were going to end up having babies at almost exactly the same time, just through different means! Suddenly, that pain wasn’t there either. I finally felt relief. I finally felt peace.

Then, the birth mother let us know that she had decided to keep the baby. We were devastated. (We don’t fault her for it at all – we knew that was a possibility and she of course has every right to that decision.) I tried going into work the next day, but 2 hours into the day, I couldn’t function. Any time someone tried to talk to me, my eyes welled up with tears. My boss let me take the rest of that day off, to which I will be forever grateful.

Suddenly, without warning or preparation, ALL of those emotions I had been temporarily freed from came surging back, like a force to be reckoned with. Once again, I felt inadequate, broken, frustrated, and beaten down, and I hated getting on Facebook to see how many people were happily announcing their newest addition. It was this point when I decided to start my Facebook Fast. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I needed time apart from social media, because it was only sinking me deeper.

About a week after we got that news (and 2 days into my Facebook Fast), my sister had her baby. A few days prior, I had finally called back the OB/GYN to get my test results from eight months ago. They told me they would call me that Friday. I got a call that my sister had had her baby, and a few hours later, got a call from the OB/GYN telling me that Eric was actually fine, but that the issue was with me, and that I needed to start taking a medication to improve our chances. Somehow this news was just the trifecta of news. Within a few short weeks: a failed adoption, my sister had her baby, and I found out that very same day that I’m the reason for our difficulty getting pregnant.


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Honestly, I think the Facebook Fast saved me from even more heartache and pain. It was so liberating to not constantly see all these people move forward in an area of life I wish so desperately to move forward in. As I stated in the beginning, this is the real reel. This post isn’t meant to end with a happy ending – the ending hasn’t happened yet. I WILL be a mother one day and I WILL overcome tokophobia one day. The next step is to take this medication and see what happens. Once pregnancy actually happens, I also fully intend to keep an active blog of my journey for anyone else out there who suffers from tokophobia. To all of you out there who desperately want children, but have tokophobia and/or infertility problems: you are not alone.


Note: If anyone wants to talk to me about this, PM me on Facebook and I'd be happy to discuss. (facebook.com/marisajk)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Appendectomy?? I Think Not!!

Day 1 (Nov 1st)

5:45am - I am awoken by the most excruciating pain in my lower right abdomen. It hurt so bad that it took almost 10 minutes just to rotate from my side to my back. I prayed that it would just go away, and managed to fall back asleep.
8:50am - I wake up once again and the pain is still there. I'm afraid to move, and really hoping it is just the worst ovarian cyst rupture I have ever had - anything but appendicitis!!
10:30am - Not quite as unbearably painful as earlier, but still hurts to move. Since I have nothing going on today, I decide to stay in bed... on my back... without moving.
1:15pm - The pain has been here for almost 8 hours and I start to freak out a little. I'm pretty certain at this point that it is, in fact, appendicitis.
1:17pm - I call my mom and express my concerns. She gives me a nurse advice number to call through insurance.
1:20pm - I call this number and they look up the policy... and inform me that it was terminated on 13 September.
1:22pm - I call my mom back and tell her what they told me and she gets mad at them and said that it was reinstated on the 14th and to call my dad.
1:25pm - I call my dad and tell him what's going on and he then realizes that he forgot to put me back on the plan and begins making the necessary calls.
1:25-2:30ish - I begin to increasingly freak out with the idea of a necessary surgery, no insurance, and $35,000+ to get my appendix removed (without insurance).
2:45 - I call Eric in tears and ask him to come home as soon as he can (he was at work).
3pm - Insanity ensues and I have 4 different people trying to call me at the same time. (my mom, my dad, Eric, and Eric's mom).
3:05pm - Eric is on his way home, and my dad calls to tell me that I am officially back on the insurance and it should be okay... but it won't show up until tomorrow... so hopefully it'll still be good for today.
3:10 - Eric calls our home teacher to come and give me a blessing.

Okay, enough with the time stamps. Our home teacher came over to help Eric give me a blessing and after the blessing he said "You know, you should talk to my wife - she's beaten appendicitis twice now!" "...Beaten it?" I asked. "Yeah, she used all sorts of crazy herbs and homeopathic stuff, but it worked!" Well this has definitely sparked my interest. He gave me his wife's phone number and as soon as he left, I called her. (Mind you, as soon as the blessing was finished, Eric and I had planned to go straight to the hospital.) I told her what was going on, she said remarks such as "Oh you poor thing!" and "That's awful!" and told me the first and more important thing is to not eat a thing. Luckily, since the thought of an impending surgery was on my mind, I had abstained from any and all foods all day anyway. Check. She also said to drink tons and tons of herbal tea - especially peppermint and the likes. Conveniently, I have a whole box of peppermint tea (herbal) in my cupboard, so I start on my journey of a tea-only diet.

About an hour later she comes over with three different combinations of herbs and a reusable tea bag to make the teas in, gives me about 10 pages worth of reading on the homeopathic solution to appendicitis and is on her way. I read the material, am fascinated by it, and then brace myself for the call to my mother where I will tell her that I am *not* going to the hospital yet. Surprisingly, she took it quite well. (yes, I know I am jumping between past and present tenses... deal with it. :) )

The next few days were awful, because I pretty much had LOTS of tea. The evening of Day 2 I finally had half an apple and it was the most glorious food I had ever tasted. The morning of Day 3 I have a very light soup, but still eat next to nothing the whole day. Day 4 I am starting to feel more like myself and actually eat a bit of solid food - some toast. By the evening of Day 4 I feel weak, but almost completely back to normal.

Eric's dad calls and invites us to the BYU basketball game that night and I am SO sick of being in the house and can finally move around again without Eric's help that I tell Eric I want to go. He is obviously concerned about this and it takes a bit of convincing that I really am up for going out, but he eventually gives in and his dad picks us up a few hours later.

The walk from the parking lot (the football parking lot across the street from the baseball stadium) to the Marriott Center was unexpected and a bit strenuous for me, but once we got to our seats, I was cautious, but fine. I even ran into a good friend and her fiance (whom I had not yet met) while we were there, so I was glad that I went.

I still ate VERY carefully the next several days to make sure I didn't aggravate it again, but I think it is officially gone!! Hurray! SO... if you ever think you have appendicitis but don't want to go to the hospital and have an appendectomy, call me and I'll walk you through it step-by-step! :D

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Getting Older...?

Okay, so I know that I am by no means old, but it's still weird when people you grew up watching suddenly grow up too. haha. The most recent example of this is Melissa Joan Hart. I grew up watching "Clarissa Explains it All" (which, to clear anything up, no my name is NOT Clarissa and please do not ever ask me again to 'explain it all' (kids on my street growing up teased me about that ALL the time)) and "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." But those ended and I haven't really seen her in anything until now and suddenly she went from 20 to 30 lickety-split!

I was browsing available shows on Netflix instant play (we don't have any TV channels) and one called "Melissa and Joey" popped up. I thought, "Hey, why not?" I mean, I loved Melissa Joan Hart as a kid, let's see how this show is. It's kind of like a weird mix between Who's the Boss and Two and a Half Men. Melissa's character ends up in charge of her niece and nephew after her sister and brother-in-law are sent to jail, but she's a busy working woman and can't juggle both and ends up hiring a "manny" (male nanny) to help out. So it's like Who's the Boss in the sense that he's pretty much the housekeeper, but Two and a Half Men in the sense that neither of them have a clue how to raise children.

I will admit, it is a pretty funny show. It does have more innuendo than I would like, but it is definitely way toned down to most shows these days. Probably comparable to Still Standing or Grounded for Life... (though I still miss ones like Family Matters, Step by Step, and Sister Sister, where innuendo wasn't necessary). I have only watched a few episodes, but I have already been literally laughing out loud with no one else home.

Joey Lawrence in "Blossom"
By the way, the male nanny is Joey Lawrence, from "Blossom" and "Brotherly Love", whom I also have a hard time seeing as essentially a 'father figure' when all I can remember him saying was "Whoa!" (a clip would make it so much better) as a goofy teenager! I love the banter between the two, though. And he does a pretty good job as the pseudo dad.


I'm curious though, if they ever save and essentially "reuse" old sets (or parts of old sets) from sitcoms, because their set is like a combination of Reba and Boy Meets World. But that thought had absolutely zero relevance to the rest of the entry...

Anyway, another short and sweet entry. I find the show rather amusing and seeing as how it is still currently on the air, I hope it actually lasts more than a couple seasons...!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Dishwashers!!!

I got a dishwasher, I got a dishwasher, I got a dishwasher hey hey hey HEY!

Yes, we picked up a portable dishwasher today from someone in Eagle Mountain (about 20-25 minutes away). Thanks to good 'ol KSL classifieds always finding the best deals! I can't even begin to tell you how extremely THRILLED I am to finally have a dishwasher!! I love my place (and will love it even more when we get it all painted!) but the biggest downside was that amidst our huge kitchen, there was no dishwasher. :(

But that has now changed! I have never been so excited to actually do the dishes! haha. Okay, so I guess it's not really "doing the dishes" when all I'm doing is putting them into a dishwasher, but it counted for me! I've been hand-washing ALL of our dishes for over a year now and I was sooo dang sick of it! You don't realize how much you take things like that for granted until you don't have one anymore. My kitchen is going to be SO much cleaner all the time now - I guarantee it!

Anyway, short and sweet entry - hurray for dishwashers!! :D

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Natural Remedies

You know, you learn a lot of really bizarre things when you are constantly searching for home remedies of every imaginable ailment! See, I don't have insurance... and each time I go to the doctor's it costs about $100, so I'm going to do everything in my power to make it so I don't have to go. Because of that, I have learned some really interesting "remedies." Some that seem to work really well, and others that make you say, "...really?"

Poor little guy...
For example, yesterday my ear started hurtin' something fierce. It definitely felt like an ear infection, but alas - I was trying to avoid that whole doctor route. So I began my home remedy search. Want to know one of the most common suggestions? Onions. Yes, onions. Several sites that I found said to cut an onion in half, heat it just slightly, wrap it with some old t-shirt fabric and put it on your ear for about 30 minutes. Weird, huh? Well, these days I will try just about anything - especially if multiple sites advocate it. So I chopped an onion in half, put it in the microwave, cut a piece of cloth from ratty old t-shirt, and put it on my ear!

The warmth from it actually felt really nice, and after about 30 minutes I took it off and it didn't hurt anymore! Buuut then about 10 minutes later it started hurting again. Drat. Maybe I'm supposed to do it multiple times a day. But I already felt weird enough holding a half-onion to my ear, so I decided to forgo that option.

Here's another interesting remedy... if any of you have eczema problems, try this one. Mix some olive oil with a few drops of tea tree oil and massage it onto the affected area, the way you would with lotion. 

Oh, tea tree oil is one of my new best friends. It seems to be a cure for everything!! I also use it on zits. I especially hate those threatening zits that you KNOW are there, you can feel them, but there is just nothing there to pop and you just have to wait the wretched amount of time before you can actually get rid of them. Well, before I go to bed, I wash my face off and then use a q-tip to put some tea tree oil on and dab each red spot on my face. 9 times out of 10, the spots are gone by morning. I've also heard that toothpaste does similar things, but I've tried that and all it seems to do for me is make a mess on my pillows...

Have any of you ever gurgled apple cider vinegar? I'm pretty sure it is the worst tasting thing in the world, but my grandma (Brown) swears by it. When I was younger, I didn't believe her... I think mainly because I didn't want to go near that vile bottle of nastiness. But when I no longer had insurance, I was willing to try just about anything. If I started gurgling that stuff when I felt the slightest tickle in my throat, it worked wonderfully!! It also seems to help clear phlegm out of your throat in no time. Granted, you have to do it a couple of times a day, but it definitely helps... much to my chagrin. I think I am building up an immunity to it, though - it didn't taste quite so vomitous last time I used it.

Also, garlic is a natural anti-bacterial. I always have a bottle of garlic pills on hand for when I start to feel sick. Also a miracle worker is echinacea ... which, I am rather confused right now why the dictionary doesn't recognize echinacea... weird. Anyway, zinc is amazing as well, as is - of course - vitamin c.

Oh!! Another weird home remedy I discovered last night is that of ibuprofen. Well, substitutes for it I mean. There's a whole list of foods that have natural anti-inflammatory as well as foods that are best to avoid when in pain. These ones below are the pain reducer foods. The other foods are in the link.

apples apricots avocados bananas
beans beets berries broccoli
cabbage cantaloupe carrots cauliflower
celery chard cherries cucumber
currants dates figs garlic
ginger grapes kale lettuce
mangoes melons mushrooms olives
papaya parsley peaches pears
peppers potatoes pumpkin radish
raisins soybeans spinach squash
sweet potatoes turnips

Anyway, these are a few random 'natural remedies' I have discovered in the last few years. I'm sure I will discover more in the near future!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

A Cool New Way to Save Recipes

Okay, so I am still trying to get into the habit of writing more often. As you can see, not doing so hot yet! But hey, this is my third one in the same month! (just don't think about the fact that it's the last day of the month...)

I thought I'd share with you what I have been doing recently.

So, when I was little, I remember my mom always having a 3x5 box of recipes that she'd acquired from all over the place. Any time we cooked anything, she had me find the recipe in the box. I have several friends and family who keep all of their recipes in a big binder and I did try that, but it just didn't feel like... home. I guess we like what we know, and I definitely know 3x5 recipe cards.

That being said, while I wanted to transfer my favorites to 3x5 cards, I sure as heck did not want to spend hours upon hours writing them. I'd still rather type them and transfer them. Plus, regular 3x5 cards are so... boring! I wanted some with a little pizzazz!

I thought it would be fun to find some recipe templates online, but goodness gracious are they hard to find!! And what I mean is that ones that are free from lines or words. Just a cute design where I can do what I want with the rest.

Ultimately, I'm pretty sure that the route I took has already taken WAY more time than it would have just to write them all out by hand, but I guess I do have a lil creative juice in me after all and quite enjoyed myself while putting these cards together. I even downloaded a ton of really fun fonts to choose from!


I must admit that several of these recipes I have yet to try - they just looked so good that I knew I would want to try them... and soon!

So how did I do this? Actually, after being fed up with stupid recipe creator sites that wanted to charge me to do something I knew I was capable of doing, I said to heck with it. I opened up PowerPoint and never looked back. Turns out, you can save PowerPoint slides as pictures!

But where on earth was I going to find a place that actually prints 3x5 pictures? Pretty much every place has 4x6 and then a wallet size. WELL... after doing even more research, I found this awesome little site called mpix.com and they will print not only a 3.5x5 but a 4x5! I'm not entirely sure what a 4x5 is for, but hey! they have odd sizes. Hurray for the unusual!

So once I get a big chunk of them made up, I am going to upload them as individual pictures, have them printed off as 3x5s and voila! you have eggs! Sorry, that last part was an inside joke with my family.  

Also, this site is extras awesome because they have different print options that actually apply to what I want to print off. If I wanted a regular "high quality" picture it would be $0.29 per 'photo', but I really don't care if it is glossy or not, and there is an option that doesn't do color correction or gloss and it's only $0.19/ea instead! What did I say before? Oh yeah - hurray for the unusual!

Anyway, these are just a few of the ones that I have done so far. I think I've done about 30 at the moment, and I have awesome templates that I want to use for probably another 60. It's a fun lil hobby to have. :D

So if any of you have any absolutely AMAZING dishes and would like to share the recipe with me, I'll make it up like one of these and then give you a copy afterwards. I'm always looking for new recipes... so go ahead and comment, email, or facebook me with yours!! :)