The Hardest Choice

This weekend I had to make one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make. And no, I am not over-exaggerating. It was seriously that hard. I waffled all weekend over it, weighing the pros and cons, never fully being able to decide one way or the other. I love the crew that I'm working with, but the subject-matter is just awful. And I love the fact that the entire thing is filmed on a sound stage and that we get to stay in the same place and that the temperature inside is absolutely perfect, but again... the content is troubling me. And I was thrilled that I would more than likely get to go on location with them to Lousiana for a week in February to film the last portion of the film, but I had this unexplainable *awful* feeling on set that I just couldn't quite explain. But then again, if I quit, I'd be giving up a LOT of money... money that I really need right now... money that I can't really afford to say no to.

Saturday night I spent a good hour or more talking with a really close friend of mine who brought up a TON of really important points and said things in ways that I hadn't quite been able to word. He also was able to help pinpoint WHY I was feeling so rotten after I came home from filming. I'm not going to get into the details of that, so if you really want to know, then email me or something and I'll tell you, but suffice it to say, he really helped put things into perspective for me, and got me that much closer to a decision.

I thought and I prayed about it, prayed and thought about it. I tried to figure out if it was worth it to stay on for the full show, or if I should take the hit and wait for something else. Well, whenever I have to face really tough decisions, I like going to the temple to help me decide... clear my mind from everything else and just be able to really think clearly.

So I thought, "Man, I wish I could just up and go to the temple right now..." But it was a Saturday night, and here they only do baptisms certain days at certain times. So then I thought, "Well, maybe I could go right after work on Tuesday..." and immediately after *that* thought, I thought, "...but I wouldn't feel right about going to the temple if it was coming straight from set."

That was pretty much my answer right there. I had to quit. If working on this film made me feel THAT gross inside that I wouldn't feel right about going to the temple after work, then it wasn't worth it. I could have been making 10 grand on it and it still would not have been worth it.

Plus, in talking with my old (and sort of current) roommate Sarah (I live at her family's place when I'm in L.A.), I realized the whole justification thing trying REAL hard to creep in. And that's exactly how Satan gets to people - by degrees. You start with something small, justify that, then justify the next level, and the next... and before you know it, you're totally off the deep end. If I were to justify "just this 'one' film", then it would be that much easier to agree to "just one more" down the road, and so on. I've got to start high up and stay high up.

So I called John (the friend I had already given Monday to) and asked him if he wanted to take the full two weeks. I explained to him that I just didn't feel comfortable on set and really would prefer not to finish it. I also warned about the content beforehand, and though he appreciated the warning, he was more than happy to take the two weeks from me. Now, the only part left was to tell the mixer.

I know the best way to do these things is either (1) in person or (2) on the phone, but I also knew that there was absolutely *no* way that I was going to get everything out that I needed to get out unless I wrote it all down. So I initially intended on just sort of making a bullet list of all the things I wanted to make sure to tell/explain to him, and it just sort of turned into this really well worded letter instead. So I decided that it would ultimately just be best to email him instead... as lame as that seems. But I did also include in the beginning that I would have preferred to talk to him verbally, but knew I wouldn't be able to say it all in an organized fashion, etc. He responded an hour or so later and said that he totally understood, no hard feelings, that 'horror films aren't for everyone', and that maybe we'd work together in Utah soon (he's based in Utah, too).

So there you have it. I gave up a full feature, 2-3 grand, a great crew, an 'all expense paid' trip to Lousiana, a credit, and a huge networking opportunity. Sheesh... when you list it that way, anyone would say that I'm absolutely insane for giving it up. But so what? Let them. I know that I am making the best possible choice for myself. I feel very much at peace with my decision and I know that better things will come along if I am just patient. I don't have to resort to doing films like these.