Sing Me A Song

Okay, I want to know what changed.  Up until three years ago I was writing lyrics sometimes 6-7 times a month.  From 9th grade until then, it had become my 'escape' and my way to 'express my feelings' or whatever.  I had more lyrics than music, but what I had I shared with friends.  It was a big part of why I wanted to major in Media Music once I got to BYU (I also wanted to do film scoring, as I have been obsessed with film scores for as long as I can remember).  I was so determined that that was what I wanted to do, yet somehow in the midst of everything, I turned into this shy and timid person when it came to me, my voice, and my music.  I don't know if I had a bad experience that I just blocked from my memory or what, but at some point, I just totally pulled back and never shared any of it with anyone anymore.

Me in Summer of 2004

I also became way too self-critical of my stuff and I wouldn't even let anyone read or listen to it; and when I did... I felt like it would have been better to have just kept it to myself - even if someone did say they liked it!  How's that for messed up thinking?

Then, I got to BYU.  I was so gung-ho about getting into the School of Music and was doing everything I possibly could to get in.  I even finagled getting into the Songwriting class my first year there (which is hard to do - especially as a freshman - unless you're already in the major).  But I suddenly felt like a fish out of water, and clammed up even more than before, which caused a major nose dive for me in that class.  I still tried for the next year or so, but eventually must have just given up all together, because at some point in '06, I stopped writing.  At that point, I had filled 4 1/2 notebooks of lyrics and ideas, chord progressions and melodies, and I apparently just... stopped.  December 2006 was my last one.  

I did however end up getting into the School of Music.  But not for Media Music - for Sound Recording.  At that point, I had abandoned the Media Music track all together and gone to--you know what... I went to what was safe.  I had no doubt that I could succeed with Sound Recording.  It was the technological side of things that always seem to come naturally to me.  

I think most of my life, I have been afraid of failure.  If there was a possibility I wouldn't succeed in something, I just wouldn't try it.  That changed when I did Young Ambassadors.  Truth be told, I did it to go to Australia.  I didn't even know what the group was when I joined - I just knew that it was my ticket to Australia.  And it turned out to be one of the most bittersweet things ever; one of those "glad I did it, but never do it again" sorts of things.  Again, I was doing the 'tech' side of things.  I knew I could do it, and I was good at it.  I knew I couldn't fail.  But then, I started to see how much fun the performers had and decided that that was the end I wanted to be on.  I thought about auditioning for the next year, but quickly dispelled that idea... for fear of failure.  But you know what?  I finally conquered that fear.  I auditioned anyway.  And I "failed."  I didn't even make callbacks.  But I auditioned.  

Who knows if I'll ever actually be in a show or not, or sing an original song in front of an audience.  What I have learned is that you never know until you try.  If you want it, go for it.  And if with that attempt comes failure, so be it.  It will only make you stronger.  Tonight, for the first time in almost 3 years, I wrote another song.  And who knows, maybe one day, someone will actually hear it too. :)